Oh my God I love it and I volunteer to play Dan Remington please oh please. I was dying through this entire script! Too funny.
For you reading pleasure, the only completed part of my attempt at Scriptfrenzy this year. School turned out to be too much of a burden. That and Skyrim. But seriously, I might come back to this later – the premise is a Supernatural parody where there is nothing supernatural going on at all but the characters think there is. Later it was going to morph to the other end of the spectrum with some all out mockery of some of the aspects of the series, like soul swapping for spare change or killing people during their monologues repeatedly because the spirits can’t die until they’ve said their piece.
Without further ado, I present ULTRANORMAL.
EXT. SEAN’S HOUSE, AFTERNOON
A semi wide shot from a reasonable distance. The sound of running can be heard and after a moment DAN REMINGTON runs into the shot and makes an impressive leap from the ground up to the rail of the porch which he then vaults over, landing by rolling across the porch and jumping up into a ready, crouched combat stance. He moves slowly toward the front door until he is within ready reach of the doorbell, at which point he quickly jabs the button and leaps back off the porch and into the bushes directly in front of the house. SEAN REMINGTON comes to the door and opens the inner door of the house but not the screen door.
SEAN REMINGTON: Hello?
He pauses and looks around before turning back in and closing the door. Cut to black screen with white text reading “TEN MINUTES LATER”. Cut back to this scene. DAN rolls out from the bushes and jumps up into a ready crouch again. He creeps slowly up the front steps of the house and rings the door bell before running the length of the porch and jumping off the side. After landing, he backs directly against the house and waits. SEAN returns to the door and opens both this time, stepping out onto his porch partially to look around. He has a slightly furrowed brow and slightly glaring expression.
SEAN REMINGTON (already exhasperated): Hello? Anyone there?
SEAN once again turns back into his house. This time, some movement of furniture can be heard and then SEAN comes back into view through a window, which he opens. He waits there for a beat.
SEAN REMINGTON: This is stupid.
SEAN turns into his house and his footsteps can be heard as he leaves the window. Cut to black screen with white text reading “TEN MINUTES LATER”. Cut back to this scene. DAN moves directly away from the house until he is off screen before running can be heard again. DAN repeats his initial entry and jumps up into a ready crouch right in front a window and very suddenly SEAN leans out the window and grabs DAN’s coat, pulling him in with great force.
DAN REMINGTON: Mother fu–
Laughing fit in the back of the class. Oh my god. I cant stop.
Today I went to Bob Evans (again) because I wanted coffee, breakfast, wifi, and a relatively quiet place to read scholarly publications by the professor I’m going to meet today. Hopefully I don’t fuck up again!
Anyway, the table next to me had three elderly ladies, who I would later learn to all be widows. I will now list their discussion topics.
- Sexting (“I don’t do stuff like that over the phone. We talk about the Bible. But it’s not that I wouldn’t!”)
- Big Bang Theory (“She was singing that song from Big Bang Theory…soft kitty, warm kitty…”)
- Whether or not their waitress had a boyfriend
- Whether or not I had a girlfriend
- Whether or not our waitress thought I was cute
- I’m very cute
- Various reality shows
- Various talk shows
- Having accidents
- Having “accidents”
- Protein shakes
At this point I had to leave. Too funny, though. Wish me luck, y’all! I’ve got a long drive, an important meeting, and then another long drive ahead of me!
Pentatonix acapella flashmob in a bathroom. I love how there’s one guy who’s not in on it, and he just stands there in the urinal the whole time hahaha
Zak told me about this yesterday, and I laughed so hard I think I pulled a few muscles.
If you click this link and watch the videos, I promise you will laugh.
BY Mike Lacher
You don’t like that your coworker used me on that note about stealing her yogurt from the break room fridge? You don’t like that I’m all over your sister-in-law’s blog? You don’t like that I’m on the sign for that new Thai place? You think I’m pedestrian and tacky? Guess the fuck what, Picasso. We don’t all have seventy-three weights of stick-up-my-ass Helvetica sitting on our seventeen-inch MacBook Pros. Sorry the entire world can’t all be done in stark Eurotrash Swiss type. Sorry some people like to have fun. Sorry I’m standing in the way of your minimalist Bauhaus-esque fascist snoozefest. Maybe sometime you should take off your black turtleneck, stop compulsively adjusting your Tumblr theme, and lighten the fuck up for once.
People love me. Why? Because I’m fun. I’m the life of the party. I bring levity to any situation. Need to soften the blow of a harsh message about restroom etiquette? SLAM. There I am. Need to spice up the directions to your graduation party? WHAM. There again. Need to convey your fun-loving, approachable nature on your business’ website? SMACK. Like daffodils in motherfucking spring.
When people need to kick back, have fun, and party, I will be there, unlike your pathetic fonts. While Gotham is at the science fair, I’m banging the prom queen behind the woodshop. While Avenir is practicing the clarinet, I’m shredding “Reign In Blood” on my double-necked Stratocaster. While Univers is refilling his allergy prescriptions, I’m racing my tricked-out, nitrous-laden Honda Civic against Tokyo gangsters who’ll kill me if I don’t cross the finish line first. I am a sans serif Superman and my only kryptonite is pretentious buzzkills like you.
It doesn’t even matter what you think. You know why, jagoff? Cause I’m famous. I am on every major operating system since Microsoft fucking Bob. I’m in your signs. I’m in your browsers. I’m in your instant messengers. I’m not just a font. I am a force of motherfucking nature and I will not rest until every uptight armchair typographer cock-hat like you is surrounded by my lovable, comic-book inspired, sans-serif badassery.
Enough of this bullshit. I’m gonna go get hammered with Papyrus.
Black Friday Shopping Prank
On a lighter note, this is hilarious. Seriously just take a moment and watch this, I promise you’ll chuckle.
My favorite part: “A, uhm, Mormon disco ball? Yeah, it’s a disco ball, but it’s just for Mormons.”