Jul. 11, 2012 at 11:58am with 4 notes
personallifedanny

One thing has been bothering me recently. I was really uneasy about Danny’s fiance. I was never a huge fan of her before Danny’s injury and consequent death, and it hasn’t changed much since. I know that I should be good to her, though, because that’s the right thing to do, but something about her behavior has been very off-putting for me.

I used to think, ‘Oh, I’ve been his friend longer than she has, even if they were dating. He always had to act differently when she was around; she never even knew the real Danny. Or if she did, she was always in denial of who he really was.’ But I knew that what I was really doing was making it a contest, like Who’s More Affected By Danny’s Passing, and I wanted to win. I knew I shouldn’t do this, but why couldn’t I help it?

I finally nailed it down, recently. She always says things like, “Guys, thanks for supporting me through this.” It bothered me at first, because I was never there just for her. I was there for Danny, for myself and my own concerns and peace of mind, for my and Danny’s friends, for Danny’s family. His fiance is included in there, as well, but she has her own friends and support system, right? And I realized that every time I heard her say things like that, I would hear it as, “Guys, this is more important to me than it is to you.” Because we were supporting her. And in my mind, that’s what makes it a contest.

I’m as affected by this as anyone. I’m handling it differently than might be expected, and honestly, it freaks me out. Sometimes I wonder if I’m in denial, like it hasn’t fully struck me. Maybe I’m doing that thing where I keep myself busy so I don’t have to think about anything. In fact, I know that’s most likely the case.

But just because I’m processing it differently doesn’t mean that this hasn’t been a huge loss for me. Even if I’d lose the contest of Who’s More Affected?, I’m still massively affected. So don’t write me off as “fine” and thank me for supporting you in your struggle. This is something we all have to deal with, because everybody that knew Danny is completely struck by this loss.

  1. nameissteve posted this